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at night when I am half asleep, or when I am taking my midday
siesta, my imagination pictures one of these lads approaching a
girl, or actually lying with her, and the strange thing is that I
do not feel any desire myself to approach the girl, but I feel I
wish I were in _her_ place and the lad was coming to _me_. In my
calm, waking moments it disgusts and rather horrifies me to find
myself apparently so unsexed--yet such is the fact, and the
experience, with only slight changes, repeats itself over and
over again. It is not that I, as a man, wish even in imagination
to act improperly with a boy, but I feel I would like to be in
the girl's place, and the strange thing is that in all these
dreams and imaginings I can always apparently enter into the
feelings of the woman better than into those of the man.
Sometimes I fancy for a moment that perhaps reincarnation is true
and I was a woman in my last life. Sometimes I fancy that when I
was in the womb I was formed as a girl and the sexual organs
changed just at the last moment. It is a curious problem. Don't
think I worry about it. Only at long intervals do I think of
it.... The thing has its bright side. Boys and men seem to have
tender feelings toward me, such as one expects them to have for
members of the opposite sex, and I get into all the closer
contact with them in consequence."
HISTORY III.--F.R., English, aged 50, Belongs on both sides to
healthy, normal families, of more than average ability. Father
was 35 at birth, and mother 27. He is the second of four
children. There was a considerable interval between the births of
the children, which were spread over twenty-one years. All are
normal, except F.R., two of them married and with families.
Owing to the difference of age between the children, F.R. (who
was three years younger than his elder brother, and more than
four years older than his sister, the third child) had no male
companionship and was constantly alone with his mother. "Being
naturally imitative," he remarks, "I think I acquired her tastes
and interests and habits of thought. However that may be, I feel
sure that my interests and amusements were more girlish than
boyish. By way of illustration, I may mention that I have often
been told by a friend of my mother's that, on one occasion, I was
wanting a new hat, and none being found of a size to fit me, I
congratulated myself that I should therefore be obliged to have a
_bonnet!_ As regards my feminine tastes and instincts, I have
always been conscious of taking interest in questions of family
relationships, etiquette, dress (women's as much as, or more
than, men's) and other things of that kind, which, as a rule,
were treated with indifference or contempt. In the house I take
more notice than my sister does of the servants' deficiencies and
neglects, and am much more orderly in my arrangements than she
There is nothing markedly feminine in the general appearance.
Pubertal development took place at an early age, long before
fourteen, with nocturnal emissions, but without erotic dreams.
The testicles are well developed, the penis perhaps rather below
the average in size, and the prepuce long and narrow. Erection
occurs with much facility, especially at night. When young he
knew nothing of masturbation, but he began the habit about ten
years ago, and has practised it occasionally ever since.
Although he likes the society of women to a certain extent, he
soon grows tired of it, and has never had any desire to marry.
His sexual dreams never have any relation to women. "I am
generally doing or saying something," he remarks, "to some man
whom I know when awake, something which I admit I might wish to
do or say if it were not quite out of the question on grounds of
propriety and self-respect."
He has, however, never had any intimate relationships with men,
and much that he has heard of such relationships fills him with
"What I feel about myself is," he writes, "that I have to a
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