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modern moralists either fight shy of transcendental
interpretations or see none, and I am ignorant and unable to
solve the mystery these feelings seem to imply.
"Patmore speaks boldly enough, in his way, and Lacordaire has
hinted at things, but in a very guarded manner. I have neither
the ability nor opportunity to study what the mystics of the
Middle Ages have to say along these lines, and, besides, the
medieval way of looking at things is not congenial to me. The
chief characteristic of my tendency is an overpowering admiration
for male beauty, and in this I am more akin to the Greeks.
"I have absolutely no words to tell you how powerfully such
beauty affects me. Moral and intellectual worth is, I know, of
greater value, but physical beauty I _see_ more clearly, and it
appears to me the most _vivid_ (if not the most perfect)
manifestation of the divine. A little incident may, perhaps,
reveal to you my feelings more completely. Not long ago I
happened to see an unusually well-formed young fellow enter a
house of assignation with a common woman of the streets. The
sight filled me with the keenest anguish, and the thought that
his beauty would soon be at the disposal of a prostitute made me
feel as if I were a powerless and unhappy witness to a sacrilege.
It may be that my rage for male loveliness is only another
outbreaking of the old Platonic mania, for as time goes on I find
that I long less for the actual youth before me, and more and
more for some ideal, perfect being whose bodily splendor and
loving heart are the realities whose reflections only we see in
this cave of shadows. Since the birth and development within me
of what, for lack of a better name, I term my homosexualized
Patmorean ideal, life has become, in the main, a weary business.
I am not despondent, however, because many things still hold for
me a certain interest. When that interest dies down, as it is
wont from time to time, I endeavor to be patient. God grant that,
after the end _here_, I may be drawn from the shadow, and
seemingly vain imaginings into the possession of their
never-ending reality _hereafter_."
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