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"Male Greek statuary and the _Phoedrus_ of Plato have had a
great, though only confirmatory, influence on my feelings. My
ideal is that of Theocritus XIII, wherein Hercules was bringing
Hylas to the perfect measure of a man. My first thought is the
good of my friend, but, except for the good subjective influence
of passion, I have failed utterly.
"I am very tall, dark, rather strong, fond of games, though I do
not excel, owing to short sight. I am English, though I have
French blood, which may account for an unreservedly passionate
disposition. Though unlike other people, I am not in the least
feminine, nor has anyone thought so to my knowledge. I can
whistle easily and well. I am so masculine that I cannot even
conceive of passive sexual pleasure in women, much less in men.
(That is one of the difficulties in boy-love.) My affections are
inextricably bound up in the ideals of protection of one weaker
than myself. In the earlier days, when sexuality was less
conscious, this was a great source of romantic feeling, the
glamour of which is rather departing. I cannot understand love of
adult males, much less if they are of lower class, and the idea
of prostitution is nauseous to me.
"I think I may say that I have the esthetic and moral sense very
strongly ingrained. Indeed, they are largely synonymous with me.
I have no dramatic aptitude, and, though I flatter myself that my
taste is good in music, I have no knowledge of music. If I have a
favorite color, it is a dark crimson or blue, of the nature of
old stained glass. I derive great pleasure from all literary and
pictorial art and architecture; indeed, art of all kinds. I have
facility in writing personal lyrical verse; it affords me relief.
"I think my inversion must be congenital, as the desire of
contact with those boys I loved began before masturbation and has
lasted through private and public resorts and into university
life. The other sex does not attract me, but I am very fond of
children, girls as well as boys. (If there is sexuality in this,
which I trust there is not, it is latent)."
This statement is of interest because it may well lead us to
suppose that the writer, who is of balanced mind and sound
judgment, possesses a confirmed homosexual outlook on life.
While, however, it is the rule for the permanent direction of the
sexual impulse to be decided by the age of 20, that age is too
early to permit us to speak positively, especially in a youth
whose adolescent undifferentiated or homosexual impulses are
fostered by university life. This proved to be! the case with
T.D., who, though doubtless possessing a psychically anomalous
strain, is yet predominantly masculine. On leaving the university
his heterosexuality asserted itself normally. About six years
after the earlier statement, he wrote that he had fallen in love.
"I am on the eve of marrying a girl of nearly my own age. She has
sympathy as well as knowledge in my fields of study; it was thus
easier for me to explain my past, and I found that she could not
understand the moral objections to homosexual practices. My own
opinion always was that the moral objections were very
considerable, but might in some cases be overcome. In any case I
have entirely lost my sexual attraction toward boys; though I am
glad to say that the appreciation of their charm and grace
remains. My instincts, therefore, have undergone a considerable
change, but the change is not entirely in the direction of
normality. The instinct for sodomy in the proper sense of the
word used to be unintelligible to me; since the object of
attraction has become a woman this instinct is mixed with the
normal in my desire. Further, an element which much troubled me,
as being most foreign to my ideal feelings, has not quite left
me--the indecent and often scatologic curiosity about immature
girls. I can only hope that the realization of the normal in
marriage may finally kill these painful aberrations. I should add
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