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though I was always at daggers drawn with my father and brother.
I worshipped my mother then, as I do now. My sister and I did not
at all get on as children, though we are the best of friends now.
She and her husband as well as my mother have been kindness
itself ever since they knew of my condition. Not till I was over
30 years did I meet a man I loved as well as my mother, and he is
heterosexual. I must have loved my father and brother at first,
but continual conflicts, incompatible temperaments and mutual
misunderstandings and want of sympathy made life at home
horrible. I must admit from my earliest childhood I had a certain
contempt for my father and brother because I found them so
materialistic. I had all my childhood rows with my brother. My
father took his part, my mother mine. After I had recovered from
my father's sudden death (my first words were after reading the
letter: 'Thank God it isn't mother!') I felt a great relief, but
it took a long time for me to grasp that I was really free.
"I have always liked women's society and, as a youth, I was very
fond of gossip, which I by no means am now. I have many women
friends, more than men friends. These women friends are all
heterosexual except one. I very often like elderly women; I
suppose I see mother in such women. A woman never could make me
blush, but a man I admired could easily.
"I was 23 years of age when a married woman of good family asked
me to come and spend the night with her. I went, and though she
was beautifully built, cleanly, and though her garments and
apartments were of the utmost good taste, I did not have any
erection. On the other hand, I felt myself to be most unclean and
bathed three times each of the following three days. Since then I
have never tried to have sexual intercourse with women.
"In Copenhagen I tried to excite my feelings with every class of
woman, in vain. I suppose it is that my nature is so like woman's
that there can be no reaction. With men I am often very shy and
nervous, tongue-tied, and my hands perspire. Never so with women.
"As a child I loved men and used to fall desperately in love with
some who came to the house. I would, when no one was there, kiss
their hats, or gloves, or even their sticks.
"I can remember, when I was about 6 years, how I fell in love
with a very good-looking 26-year-old German. He had very curly
hair and his hands were very beautiful. He was very fond of me
and I used to call him 'my Boy.' When visiting us he often used
to 'tuck me in' after the nurse had gone down. He always had
sweets or something for me. I can remember how I used to fling my
arms round his neck and cover his face with kisses. I would then
draw his head down on my pillow and he would tell me fairy-tales
and I would go off to sleep quite happy.
"At 7 years of age, while staying in the country, a very
good-looking groom, about 25 years of age, misbehaved himself
with me. I often used to visit him in the stables, as this man
had a strange attraction for me. One day he tickled me. While
doing so he produced my penis and also his own, which was in full
erection. He tried in every way to excite my feelings, in vain.
For him the occasion terminated in an ejaculation. He forbade me
to tell anyone, and I did not do so, but tried to find out all I
could on the subject, with little or no result. From that day I
hated the groom and I felt a sort of guilt, as if I had 'lost
something.' Not till I was 12 years did I understand.
"From my earliest childhood I had one ideal of a man. From that
ideal I have never swerved. At the age of 30 I found a friend
who, though quite heterosexual, has, without giving me any sexual
intercourse, given me the love I have always needed. He has been
for the last couple of years a second mother, father, sister,
brother, and lover. Through him I have regained my health, my
love of nature, and he has helped to deaden my hatred toward
human nature and my bitterness. A better friend I never wish to
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