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morals; then I learnt otherwise. I must say I became about this
time a _sensual pig_. I knew how dangerous these places were on
account of the police and blackmailers, but that gave the hunt a
double zest. At this time I led a double life and was always
watching and analyzing myself. I had to do with heaps of men of
all classes. I was often offered money, but that I would on no
condition accept. To pay or to be paid kills every sort of erotic
feeling in me and always has done so. I once wished to experiment
with myself. I was offered a small sum of money by a former
schoolmaster. I accepted this just to see how it would affect me.
The next moment I threw the money as far away as possible. Then I
saw I had none of the prostitute nature in me. I was simply
overwhelmed with sensuality. I considered I was a criminal and
wished to see in how many ways my nature had the criminal
instinct. I wanted to see if I could become a thief. I stole a
silver button in a shop where antiquities were sold, but I went
to the shop the same day again and returned the button, without
the people knowing. I found I could not become a thief. Then the
question came. Why had I felt a criminal since my seventh year?
Was it my fault? If not, whose fault was it? Not till I studied
Freud's psychoanalytical system did I get a clear insight into my
"When I was 20 years of age I met a gentleman one night in a
heavy snow-storm. We walked and talked and understood each other.
He belonged to one of Sweden's first aristocratic families. He
was extremely refined. He asked me to his rooms. We undressed and
lay down. He had a very beautiful head and a still more beautiful
body. I think that all my erotic feelings were numbed by looking
at his beautiful body. To me anything sensual would have been
sacrilege, I thought, and I can remember the feeling of awe which
came over me. He was them 20 years of age, but his hair was quite
white. First he did not understand, and then he was very gentle
to me. I kept perfectly chaste for three whole months after the
sight of his body. We saw each other often. Eight years later we
met for the last time. He suffered much from melancholia. At that
time I prevented him from committing suicide. This winter,
however, he shot himself.
"At the age of 22 my sister introduced me to a charming,
intelligent and refined, half-English, half-Swedish painter. We
'recognized' each other at once, though we had never seen each
other before, and even knew each other's characters to the
smallest traits. My parents liked him better than any friend I
had ever had. My sister and he were from the first like sister
and brother. The first evening in my home he and I kissed each
other. The women were mad about him. Later I found many men were
too. I was three weeks his senior. He had his own rooms. I have
never felt any such wonderful harmony as when our naked bodies
mingled. It was like floating in ether. With him it was the only
time I had been active in _fellatio_. We were much together,
though not much physically, for he had many love affairs with
women. What I loved was the way he would cut off all advances of
men, I was his 'little brother' and so he calls me to this day.
He is now married in America, and the father of a pretty little
daughter. We are the best of friends to this day.
"The two years in Copenhagen were some of the happiest I have
spent, though nearly the whole time I was in physical pain. In
Austria I found, among the Tyrolese peasants, that the
Englishmen, who come there in winter for sports and in the summer
for mountain climbing, have demoralized the young male peasants
with money. Homosexual intercourse is easy to get if you are
willing to pay the price,--larger in season, less out of season.
"In Italy it is merely a question of money or passion, but
everything in love there is quite transient.
"In Bavaria I found the love and peace 'which passeth all
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