|• Main||• Contacts|
mother's family, and especially a maternal uncle who had a strong
feeling for beauty of form, were more akin to him in this
His earliest recollections show an attraction for males. At
children's parties he incurred his father's anger by kissing
other small boys, and his feelings grew in intensity with years.
He has never practised self-abuse, and seldom had erotic dreams;
when they do occur they are about males.
His physical feeling for women is one of absolute indifference.
He admires beautiful women in the same way as one admires
beautiful scenery. At the same time he likes to talk with clever
women, and has formed many friendships with frank, pure, and
cultivated English girls, for whom he has the utmost admiration
and respect. Marriage is impossible, because physical pleasure
with women is impossible; he has tried, but cannot obtain, the
slightest sexual feeling or excitement.
He especially admires youths (though they must not be immature)
from 16 or 17 to about 25. The type which physically appeals to
him most, and to which he appeals, is fair, smooth-skinned,
gentle, rather girlish and effeminate, with the effeminacy of the
_ingenue_, not the _cocotte_. His favorite to attract him must be
submissive and womanly; he likes to be the man and the master. On
this point he adds: "The great passion of my life is an
exception, and stands on an utterly different level. It realizes
an ideal of marriage in which neither is master, but both share a
joint empire, and in which tyranny would be equally painful to
both. But this friendship and love is for an equal, a year
younger than myself, and does not preclude other and less
creditable _liaisons, physical_ constancy being impossible to men
of our caliber."
_Pedicatio_ is the satisfaction he prefers, provided he takes the
active, never the passive, role. He is handsome, with broad
shoulders, good figure, and somewhat classic type of face, with
fine blue eyes. He likes boating and skating, though not cricket
or football, and is usually ready for fun, but has, at the same
time, a taste for reading.
He has no moral feelings on these matters; he regards them as
outside ethics, mere matters of temperament and social feeling.
If England were underpopulated he thinks he might possibly feel
some slight pangs of remorse; but, as things are, he feels that
in prostituting males rather than females he is doing a
HISTORY XIX.--T.N. His history is given in his own words.
"From the time of my earliest imaginings I have always been
attached by strength in men and often thought about being carried
off by big warriors and living with them in caves and elsewhere.
When about 7 a young man used to show me his penis and handle
mine occasionally. At private boarding school masturbation was
fairly frequent and I suppose I was initiated about 12 or 13.
After leaving I occasionally indulged, but nothing happened until
I was about 20, except that I was often attracted by strong,
well-built young men of good character; a man who was not honest
and good-hearted had no attraction. At 20 I was much attached to
a young man of my own age. He was engaged. This did not prevent
him on one occasion endeavoring playfully and with his brother to
obtain access to my person. I successfully resisted, although if
_he_ only had been present I should not have done so, but
welcomed the attempt, and I have often regretted I did not let
him know this. But I had a dim idea that my penis was somewhat
undeveloped and this made me shy. Circumstances separated us.
About two years later I was crossing the Channel when I engaged
in conversation with a man about eight years older, who was one
of our travelling party. I think the attraction was a case of
love at sight, certainly on my side. A few nights later he had so
arranged that we shared a bedroom, and he very soon came over to
me and tenderly handled my person. I reciprocated and I look back
Page 2 from 4: Back 1  3 4 Forward