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arm. I fainted, however, and was promptly succored. At the age of
35, after a return from abroad, I took an enormous dose of
poison. This time again a singular coincidence saved me, and I
once more came back to life. After this I purposely went abroad
to obtain death and sought it in every possible way. Quite in
vain, as you see. One thing I have never had a fear of, but have
always longed for--Death. I am sure that if we only knew what
joys lay on the other side of death, the whole world would rush
madly to suicide. I have, apart from any perversion of taste, an
honest and genuine passion for children and animals, and I am
never happier than when in their society. Both adore me.
"My life has not dimmed nor deadened my faculties, for I am
occupied at the present time with very important work and I write
steadily. But my real life is passed in my visions, which take me
into another world quite as real as this sensuous one, and where
I always retreat on all occasions possible. And yet, a strange
paradox--I am a convinced Stoic and almost confine my reading to
Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, and the 'Imitation.' I am extremely
emotional, fond of the society of women, though I loathe the
sexual side of them, and when I love, though passion is certainly
inextricably mixed, the prevailing sentiment is spiritual. I
shall probably end by being a Carthusian or a fakir."
HISTORY XXIII.--Englishman, aged 70, of German descent on
father's side. Was first child of his mother, who was 36 at his
birth; a younger brother normal; has no other relatives.
He was brought up in England, and went to school at the age of
13. At a very early age, between 6 and 8, was deeply impressed by
the handsome face of a young man, a royal trumpeter on horseback,
seen in a procession. This, and the sight of the naked body of
young men in a rowing-match on the river, caused great commotion,
but not of a definitely sexual character. This was increased by
the sight of a beautiful male model of a young Turk smoking, with
his dress open in front, showing much of the breast and below the
waist. He became familiar with pictures, admired the male figures
of Italian martyrs, and the full, rich forms of the Antinous, and
he read with avidity the _Arabian Nights_ and other Oriental
tales, translations from the classics, Suetonius, Petronius, etc.
He drew naked models in life schools, and delighted in male
ballet-dancers. As a child, he used to perform in private
theatricals; he excelled in female parts, and sang the songs of
Madame Vestris, encouraged in this by his father.
The sexual organs have never been fully developed, and the
testicles, though large, are of a flabby consistence. He cannot
whistle. He thinks he ought to have been a woman.
At school he was shy and reserved, and had no particular intimacy
with anyone, although he once desired it. He learned self-abuse
from his younger brother, who had learned it from an older boy.
He has never had erotic dreams. He never touched anyone but his
brother until later when travelling in Italy, and then only his
fellow-traveller. When travelling in Asia Minor he had many
opportunities, but always put them aside from fear, afterward
regretting his fearfulness. He yearned for intimacy with
particular friends, but never dared to express it. He went much
to theaters, and what he saw there incited him to masturbation.
When he was about 30 years of age his reserve, and his fear of
treachery and extortion, were at last overcome by an incident
which occurred late at night at the Royal Exchange, and again in
a dark recess in the gallery of the Olympic Theater when Gustavus
Brooke was performing. From that time the Adelphi Theater, the
Italian Opera, and the open parks at night became his fields of
adventure. He remarks that among people crowding to witness a
fire he found many opportunities. His especial intimates were a
railway clerk and an Italian model. In more recent years he has
chiefly found gratification among footmen and policemen.
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