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sentimental and ideal. M.O. is sure that with himself the main
consideration was always the other boy's beauty. He began to
recall with great fondness a certain much older and very handsome
youth who had lived near him in the first neighborhood, and had
at the time shown him, various little friendly attentions. He
seldom saw him now, and hardly sought to do so, yet was immensely
pleased by a casual word or look from him in the schoolyard, and
much interested when other people spoke of him.
A cousin about two years younger than M.O. often visited him and
slept with him. They were very fond of each other, and handled
each other's organs.
When M.O. was about 11 years of age the family removed to a
distant neighborhood, where there were almost no children of his
own age, and where any association with those in the one just
left was practically impossible. From this time until the changes
of puberty were well under way his sexual life contrasted
strongly, in its solitude, with the former promiscuity. He
remembers liking to wrestle with two or three schoolboys and to
get their heads between his legs. He thinks they were not aware
of his sexual impulses. He flirted, consciously flirted, with
certain school-girls, but never even suggested anything sexual to
them. He read a few family medical books.
One day, lying on an old uneven couch, innocently enough at
first, he induced a new and delicious sensation, altogether
different from any he had ever dreamed of--something far beyond
the satisfaction of mere curiosity. He repeated the thing and
before long produced emissions. Masturbation soon followed.
Certain days he would perform the act two or three times, but
again he would avoid it for days. He began at once to fight the
tendency, and felt very guilty and very ashamed for indulging it.
He prayed for help and at times wept over his failures to break
the habit so quickly formed. For a certain period, after two or
three years, he seemed to have succeeded, but he observed that he
had intense erotic dreams with copious emissions regularly every
eight days. Just then certain newspaper advertisements fell under
his eye, and these persuaded him that he had produced in himself
a diseased condition. He never resorted to the remedies
advertised, but he was discouraged in his efforts to overcome the
bad habit; and since the evil effects appeared to consist only in
the seminal losses, he concluded that he might as well have the
greater enjoyment of masturbation.
For a short time, he remembers that he had an intense but
revolting interest in the sexual organs of animals, especially
horses. The males were much more interesting.
Gradually he began to develop, entirely from within, the ideal of
a male comrade,--a beautiful, emotional boy between whom and
himself there might exist a powerful romantic passion. He lay for
hours dreaming of this, and inventing thrilling situations.
Suddenly, at church, he became acquainted with the very youth,
Edmund, who seemed to satisfy all his longings. M.O. was then 161/2
and Edmund 15. A real wooing ensued, Edmund finally yielding to
the physical appeals of M.O. after several fits of misgiving. The
yielding was in the end complete, however. The two spent night
after night together, enjoying intercrural intercourse and
sometimes mutual masturbation. Their parents may have been
slightly uneasy at times, but the connection continued
uninterruptedly for a year and a half or more. In the meantime
M.O. occasionally had relations with other boys, but never
wavered in his real preference for Edmund. For girls he had no
sexual desire whatever, though he was much associated with them.
Then M.O. and Edmund went to college at different places, but
they met in vacations and wrote frequent and ardent love-letters.
Both had genuine attacks of love-sickness and of jealousy. As
M.O. looks back on this first love passion he can by no means
regret it. It doubtless had great formative influence.
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